I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
