I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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