I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
