You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
