Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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