i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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