I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
