it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
