ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Randomize
