definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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