just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
