lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize