Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Two words: blizzard sex
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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