so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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