Whod you bang
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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