I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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