This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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