Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just forgot I was standing up.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize