Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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