I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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