I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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