Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
