great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
