Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
