Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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