i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
