having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
