dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
