I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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