and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
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Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
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oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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