he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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