areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
