It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
