You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Houston, we have a squirter
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
