If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
