don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
