What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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