I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
