Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
