You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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