We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
