FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
