I love how my cats smell like pot.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
