Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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