My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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