You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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