found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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