wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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