It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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