I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
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I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
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I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball