What did I eat last night that was bloody?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
27 Hairstyles That Always Come With A Matching Personality
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??