ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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