I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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