Tell her she can't have a vagina
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
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You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
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I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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