I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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