At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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