Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
