The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
