a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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