fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
